Have you ever silently battled with something and never shared it with anyone? It's too painful or shameful to speak of. I did and my battle was with fear. What brought me shame was what I feared, and I didn't understand why, so I never spoke of it. It's not what you battle, but WHY you battle it. God wants to get to the why, because that's where the healing takes place.
Many times, in the middle of the night I battled with fear. It came in a sudden moment. Thoughts of danger filled my mind that someone was in the house ready to harm my daughter. As fear filled me and rose within, I battled with what to do. Was the Holy Spirit prompting me to get up or was I making it all up? What should I do? There were times I stayed in bed praying it would go away. I even rebuked the fear in Jesus' name. Other times, I checked on my daughter, and everything was o.k. What a way to live! And these only came when my hubby John was away and because of what I feared would happen, I never shared it with him.
During this time, I would also have reoccurring bad dreams. I would wake up my hubby so that he could pray over me and help me process it. One night while having a very bad dream, I cried out for help. Then I heard this scripture, "...all things work together for good to those who love God..." [Romans 8:28] and I woke up. The next morning, I felt the Lord wanted me to share the dream and scripture with my hubby, so I did. Afterwards, I felt the Lord say, "That is not what I wanted you to tell him. I wanted you to tell him what caused you to wake up in the middle of the night, not the dream." I was puzzled. Then it came back to me. I woke up that night with the fear I’ve been battling. As I was remembering that, it triggered a memory. My heart sunk because now I realized what the Lord wanted me to share and I had to tell my hubby.
The following day came, and it was time to share. I was filled with so much emotion, because opening myself meant the possibility of rejection and more shame. In that moment I asked the Lord for His strength to speak. I had to share the fear that would wake me up in the middle of the night and the actual thoughts I had. It's what happened the night of the dream. As I was describing the fear and thoughts, I shared the memory it triggered... When I was a little girl, there was a man who stayed with my family. It was in the middle of the night he came professing his love for me as he whispered it in my ear. I was so filled with fear and that's as far as my memory went. I was sobbing as my hubby began to talk. It was the Lord speaking through him. They were words that healed the inner little girl. It freed me from the fear and shame I had which overwhelmed me for years not knowing where it came from. It was the last time fear woke me up in the middle of the night. It was completely gone! God had gotten to the why and the healing took place. No longer a part of my life and no remnant of it was even there.
That’s a miracle moment! I don't completely understand it, nor do I know how God does that. He has brought me to a place I had forgotten where a piece of me was buried in order to bring me back to life so I can be freed from the fear. It might be strange what God calls you to do amid your fears and even be scary, but you can trust Him to bring you through it. He hears the unspoken cries of your heart even if you don’t know the reason why. He will get to it and heal you from it. You never know what the outcome may be when it comes to following the lead of your Heavenly Father who loves you. But when He calls you, you'll come to know without a doubt, He's calling you into a better place. It's always better than where you once were. You can trust Him!
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
[Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV]